I wrote this without thinking!

I'm going to bed before sunrise tonight. I took a very long nap earlier today, which resulted in me eating a very late dinner (try 8 PM.)

I still kind of hate myself. Every time I think about something, anything about me, I get this feeling in my stomach that's just awful.

I'm just posting because I felt like I should get my post count up and that I should probably write a little bit each day, whether it's on one of my (three) blogs or it's something else. People have told me that I'm a very good writer--I say I'm a very bad writer who's been very lucky with those who have read his writing.

I love The Who. I'm just starting to get back into them after a few years of dismissing them, alternately for being either too iconic (i.e. "My Generation" and "Magic Bus" have become cliches of rock music) or for being too pretentious (for Tommy and Quadrophenia.) What I've come to realize is that they are the kind of band who can perform a song about anything and can put their all into it, and be as sincere as possible about how they relate to the music. They're one of the most powerful bands ever, and I very intensely envy Pete Townshend for his enormous talent (and for being a member of The Who.) I try to play guitar, and I've gotten pretty decent since I was fifteen, but I'm not good enough to be in a band, not good enough to play in public and not good enough to really call myself a guitarist. Maybe I could be in a punk band, where expectations of the performers as musicians are actually minimal--but then I'd need at least a few hundred for a decent amplifier. Maybe I'm just judging myself too harshly and I'm actually a pretty good guitar player. But then I hear someone great, and...

I wish I didn't have to be in college. I wish I could live out the rock and roll fantasy that I've had in my head for years--I wish I could be the guy on stage right, playing long, self-indulgent guitar solos during awesome hard rock songs about unkind women or the struggles of being a young man in an old man's world. If I were a performing musician I'd probably play a Fender Jazzmaster. I'd sand it down, lacquer it clear and show off the wood. I'd be the only guitarist in the band--I'd be legendary, and I wouldn't be overshadowed by some talent-deprived schmuck with nothing to do but double my parts. I could have an excuse to be a complete asshole.

But that's not who I am and that's never going to happen. It's just a dream that won't come true. I'm starting to think I really ought to just stop dreaming altogether. The realization that one's dreams are too unrealistic to ever happen in real life is often too painful to bear, and I've endured it far too often.